Pied Nutter of Guelph

My brother pointed out to me the other day that conventional oil supplies will be exhausted in 20 years or so and this started me thinking about alternatives. Certainly conservation is foremost - we should stop wasting energy. After that we're looking at wind power, solar, small hydro installations, bio diesel, etc - but none of this works for city dwellers who comprise most of the world's population.

I was pondering this conundrum as I drove to the health food store - and there in the street I saw 12 or 15 squirrels. My first thought was - that's too many damned squirrels - I should kill them. But how? I figured it was probably illegal to shoot or drown them - and I don't have a gun or pool anyway. Bow and arrow maybe? Then my conscience got the better of me and said "Randy what if everybody did that". I thought yes, conscience, you're right - if everybody did that our taxes would fly up and away as the government created and then dismantled a new long bow registry.

So, I came up with a cheaper and more humane plan - I'd simply create a trail of nuts leading from downtown out and past the boonies - where the hawks are. The Pied Nutter of Guelph. After a little reflection I realized that this really wasn't feasible - for a couple of reasons. One, the nuts would probably get stolen by jays or small children, but, more to the point, as I checked the prices of peanuts at the health food store (especially the organic ones) I came to see that this was cost prohibitive.

So, onto a more natural, humane and cheaper scenario I thought - well, why not get a hawk myself. I checked the prices of hawks on the net and although they were worth it they still were a little out of my range. So, I thought, well, to make it pay for itself I'll just start a little business - Rent-A-Hawk.

Again my conscience piped up and said "Randy, do you really want your grandchildren seeing squirrels screaming and torn to shreds during their visits to your backyard"? Although I didn't have a ready answer for my conscience I did realize that cleaning up bones from all over the yard and possibly clogging the eaves troughs was not appealing.

So, I said to one of my many other selves, why kill them at all - why not just enslave them? I figured I could set up one of those pet cages in the back with a treadmill hooked to a generator and just feed the garbage in one end and get the squirrels to generate enough power to, say, run the clothes dryer. This would be especially attractive to city dwellers who are prohibited from having a clothes line.

I know what some of you are thinking - that although it sounds eminently doable there is a whiff of cruelty in feeding garbage to squirrels. All I can say is - well you're on your own there, feed em what you want - but have you checked the price of organic peanuts lately?

Precast Inukshuk at the Southampton market